2011 – A Year of Living

The older I get, the larger my net of loved ones gets, the more I am concious of how much living is going on around me.  “Living”, as I am coming to learn, means many things, both good and bad.  I’ve never been one to shy away from big changes or new things, but as I learn that new things bring with them big risks, I find myself becoming more afraid of life.  The “what ifs” have never deturred me, and it will be my mission this year to continue to live that way. 

I continue to learn the lesson that I am not in control of everything.  At work, I control most things, and although not being able to control the outcomes, the control I have here at my desk far exceeds that I have over my personal life.  This is difficult for me to come to terms with. 

Also difficult, quieting the competitive nature that comes to light once in a while.  Unfortunately, of late, this competitive nature comes from a place I have absolutely no control over.  Mainly, it has presented itself in why other people are having babies all over the place and I am not.  It gets harder when people exactly in my point in life, those who have waited for the “right” time to get pregnant, are due around the same time that I was. 

For those of you who do not know that I had an unsuccessful pregnancy, now you know. It’s been something I have been dealing with and continue to deal with!  It is frustrating to continually be sidetracked from living by this feeling of failure, which is what the miscarriage feels like to me today.  Thus, the competitive nature being awakened.  I don’t fail at much…when I set out to do something, I do it, and at this, I was not successful. 

Back to the topic at hand.  Living.  Yes.  People are creating new life all over the place.  People are losing parents/dealing with major illnesses in their families.  People are going through the everyday drama, happy and sad, that happens all over the place all the time.  Living is what we do, and so far I’ve done a pretty bang up job, I must say.  I’ve been successful at living.  I have so many people to love and so many people to love me.  I’ve made it through rough patches and came out on the other side scathed but, basically, sane.  Now, if I could convince myself that having made it through a miscarriage was a success in life and not a failure, I will truly be a success.

This is a reminder to myself to not be afraid of living, in whatever form it may present itself.  I have an amazing friend who tells me I’m one of the strongest women she knows.  I have a husband who tells me he’s proud of me and how I’ve handled this whole ordeal.  I have to trust that sometimes others see me more clearly than I see myself.  I have to trust that the ups are worth the downs.  That my body is strong and serves me well.  That I surround myself with the most amazing people in the world in order to ensure that any trip in the road doesn’t last too long before any of us are caught and put back on our feet.

Things I can say to you that I can’t say to other social networking sites

Here are a number of weird things about facebook that I cannot express on facebook.

1) My ex-boyfriend’s dad friended me. And I think once he posted on my page drunk. And then forgot, and posted again. Haven’t heard from him since.

2) A number of people from high school have found me, friended me, sent me a couple emails, and then that’s it.  Most correspondences seem to end when I say, “That’s great you have kids.  I don’t because I like my life.  I haven’t seen you since I was 18.  Stop inquiring about my reproductive activities.”  Or something to that effect.

3) I know one of my “friends” is a rapist.  I don’t know why I haven’t un “friended” him.

4) Come to think of it, there are a lot of people who are my “friends” who I would absolutely never talk to in real life.  It seems mean and uncouth to unfriend these people.  Also, I must admit I somewhat like the window into their world…

5) Scariest contact from facebook from ex-boyfriend: “I FINALLY found you.  I see that you’re married.”

What a weird world we live in now with all this stuff.  Remember when there was no internet?  No email?  No texting?  What the fuck did we waste our time and fake friendships on then?

Hahaha! You thought I forgot about you forever.

You were wrong!  I even remembered my user name and password.  Take THAT wordpress!  So, short synopsis, got a new job which is awesome, it took over my life, and now I’m trying to get back to it.  It has been kind of like finding a new boyfriend who you spend every second of your time with for the first three months, and then you remember your friends and start spending time with them again.  I was the girl who couldn’t stop talking to all her friends about how amazing her boyfriend is, and how cute he is when he chews his food, or something ridiculous like that.  Except the boyfriend was a job, and the friends are actually my husband, who you know, I pledged to spend my life with.

So, anyway, trying to go back to the middle (thank you IndadotArie).   

Today, I got up super duper early to get to an 8:30am meeting downtown, that I discoverd once getting downtown is NEXT Thursday.  Oops.  Yet, I had decided before to spend the entire day downtown since I have a meeting here at 5pm – that is actually happening.  It has given me some much needed time away from the 3/4 walls of my office (and our overly-exhuberant neighbors) and renewed my appreciation for this wonderful city we live in.  It helps that it is 30+ degrees out.

Fun things today: went to the Chicago Cultural Center, bought a really terrible latte, and hung out in the main room on my laptop with a bunch of homeless men until I was asked to stop using the Cultural Center’s electricity.  Then I ventured out to find somewhere I could set up shop.  First, Intelligencia, where I sat next to male/female friends meeting for coffee.  He was taking ballroom classes.  She was looking to switch from the private banking sector to nonprofit management, because apparently, they don’t know nothin about no finances (thanks, Chicago ED making $630,000 and tons of orgs depleting their net assets).  Then Starbucks (who doesn’t like a change of scenery) where a barista kindly but forcefully fought off the physical advances of a customer.  Train stations had a number of musicians today – one playing an electric guitar and playing “This is Halloween” from The Nightmare Before Christmas, and a woman with a booming voice and a stroller, which may or may not have had a fake baby in it. 

Things that I’ve been frustrated by: how much heavier a pc laptop is than a mac laptop.  Ouch.  How I can’t go to the bathroom without having to pack everything out.  I have to pee. 

Things I’ve wondered about: when I have headphones in and let out a fart I think is silent, is it?

Shit Backing Up the Toilet = MY LIFE

Had a dream last night that the toilet was clogged, and all my shit kept coming back up.  Hello subconscious: Could you be any more literal?

So, yesterday was the last day on the old job.  Except, I have to go in on Monday and Thursday.  Next week is off, except I have meetings for the new job on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and of course, the Monday and Thursday for old job, a meeting for the dance company on Tuesday and Thursday, and a couple of lunches with people from the old job on Thursday and Friday.  I also have a proposal to write for the dance company.  Hmm…this was supposed to be a free week in which I could finish my thesis, exercise, and hang out with my dog and husband…

But, that’s what happens when you are transitioning between two important jobs, and no one will let you step down from your volunteer presidential position.  

Anyway, life is good, but a tad bit hectic.  Am looking forward to falling ever more in love with the new company and new job.  Will write more about that soon!!!

Later today: Segway tour with Dave and his dad downtown during Lollapalloza and Linner/Dunch at Buddy Guys.

Me.

I had another revelation in yoga today.  I did continue to practice change.  But today, I practiced doing what was right for me.  And, it really illuminated how this is what I’ve been doing in my “real life” as it were.  I am making the best decisions for me — not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way.  These are not the easiest decisions to make, as they often let other people down or at the least confuse them.  On the way home, I had this thought: martyrs don’t succeed — they die…at least historically.  

So, I’m choosing for what is best for me.  And, coincidentally, this happens to be what is best for my husband, my family, and my friends, because it makes me healthier and happier, and thus I have more energy and wherewithal to make them happy.  

I’m going to go through my days making choices with me first and others second, knowing that you can’t make everyone happy all the time, so you might as well stop trying and work on yourself.  That’s where I am right now — thought I’d share it.

Twilight. Period.

I may have mentioned on here a little book called Twilight.  I also may have mentioned how I became addicted to it.  Well, I must admit to reading the entire series in a little over a week and a half.  Yeah.  I don’t know what it is about these books, but man.  They are addictive.  Now, I’m devouring (pun intended) as much Twilight crap as I possibly can – the movie and movie extras, Stephanie Meyer’s website with outtakes from the books (come on Steph – put up extras from the last two already), and stupid gossip mags highlighting the tumultuous relationship between Rob and whatever her name is.  

 

I do have to say that there is one small problem with the books.  I mean, there are a lot of problems.  They take a lot of suspension of disbelief.  A lot.  I could get over the sparkly vampires, the underground world of vamps and werewolves/shape shifters, and the one girl who thwarts them all.  Here’s the thing I couldn’t stop thinking about.  Periods.  As in menstrual cycles.

If you don’t know the premise of the books, here it be: Bella comes to the small town of Forks, Washington where a family of vampires happen to go to the small high school.  They are good vampires – they don’t eat people, only wildlife.  But, being vampires, they still have a natural urge to eat people.  You know how it goes.  So, they skip out on science class when there is blood testing day and the kids have to prick their fingers (um, has anyone EVER done that at school?), or any other time blood is around.  

Isn’t blood ALWAYS around in high school?  Aren’t the halls full of girls MENSTRUATING?  Sorry for boys reading this who don’t like to address this aspect of the female anatomy, but really.  How is it that the vampires go crazy when there is an accidental paper cut, but can weather the constant crimson wave without a blink of an eye?

I’m just saying.  Not that any of this would be possible in the first place, but when you bring this into the picture, it is almost asinine.  Almost.  I still love it.  

Keep an eye out for Dave’s blog entry of The Man’s Guide to Twilight (he is SUCH a Jacob).  He’s still reading the book (he claims just for me, but deep down, I think he loves it), but has promised to make his own version of cliff notes for the guys out there whose partner can’t seem to talk about anything but Twilight.

I’m a YouTube

Here is the piece I made for my beautiful husband and my beautiful dance company.