Ever since my miscarriage, the ways I have treated my body have been erratic and strange. For instance, I instantly began Weight Watchers, but also started smoking more. It’s as if I was attempting to reclaim what was rightly mine – my body. Being pregnant, even for a brief period, did make me feel as if an alien had taken me over, and everything I did was ruled by those alien needs. Sleep. Eat. Take a break. Go the bathroom to urinate – OFTEN. Don’t forget to take your vitamins. Get off your fattening ass and exercise.
Post-miscarriage, I took back control of my body, and not always in the most healthy ways. After years of professional dance, I know full well that weight loss does not equate to eating healthily. I quickly learned that one can do Weight Watchers successfully by eating fast food. Still loosing weight! Eating like shit.
Also, I smoked more than I have in years. Why not? I was stressed, sad, and it made me take regular breaks for self-reflection.
I hid away the pre-natal vitamins, and said, “Fuck you, folic acid.”
Cigales were forgotten instantaneously.
Then, I moved in another direction. After the quick-fix of xanex stopped its quick-fixing, I looked for another solution. I found Reiki Energy Healing. And, I went back to the Bikram yoga. I know. The old title of this blog: “Self-Deprecating Yuppie” comes to mind. Small dog, urban professional, yoga, and energy healing. Groan. One time, I told someone about the energy healing, and she said, “That’s so Lincoln Square of you.” I found this embarrassing.
Now, I’m somewhere in the middle of the two. Less brutal on my body, but less supportive of it too, mainly due to working every single freaking day of the week. (Pika has a significantly less room in her heart and life for a baby with a company and a dog to take care of!)
In the end, it is all a process. A long, brutal, wonderful, amazing, tiring, exhilarating process.
