2011 – A Year of Living

The older I get, the larger my net of loved ones gets, the more I am concious of how much living is going on around me.  “Living”, as I am coming to learn, means many things, both good and bad.  I’ve never been one to shy away from big changes or new things, but as I learn that new things bring with them big risks, I find myself becoming more afraid of life.  The “what ifs” have never deturred me, and it will be my mission this year to continue to live that way. 

I continue to learn the lesson that I am not in control of everything.  At work, I control most things, and although not being able to control the outcomes, the control I have here at my desk far exceeds that I have over my personal life.  This is difficult for me to come to terms with. 

Also difficult, quieting the competitive nature that comes to light once in a while.  Unfortunately, of late, this competitive nature comes from a place I have absolutely no control over.  Mainly, it has presented itself in why other people are having babies all over the place and I am not.  It gets harder when people exactly in my point in life, those who have waited for the “right” time to get pregnant, are due around the same time that I was. 

For those of you who do not know that I had an unsuccessful pregnancy, now you know. It’s been something I have been dealing with and continue to deal with!  It is frustrating to continually be sidetracked from living by this feeling of failure, which is what the miscarriage feels like to me today.  Thus, the competitive nature being awakened.  I don’t fail at much…when I set out to do something, I do it, and at this, I was not successful. 

Back to the topic at hand.  Living.  Yes.  People are creating new life all over the place.  People are losing parents/dealing with major illnesses in their families.  People are going through the everyday drama, happy and sad, that happens all over the place all the time.  Living is what we do, and so far I’ve done a pretty bang up job, I must say.  I’ve been successful at living.  I have so many people to love and so many people to love me.  I’ve made it through rough patches and came out on the other side scathed but, basically, sane.  Now, if I could convince myself that having made it through a miscarriage was a success in life and not a failure, I will truly be a success.

This is a reminder to myself to not be afraid of living, in whatever form it may present itself.  I have an amazing friend who tells me I’m one of the strongest women she knows.  I have a husband who tells me he’s proud of me and how I’ve handled this whole ordeal.  I have to trust that sometimes others see me more clearly than I see myself.  I have to trust that the ups are worth the downs.  That my body is strong and serves me well.  That I surround myself with the most amazing people in the world in order to ensure that any trip in the road doesn’t last too long before any of us are caught and put back on our feet.

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